"do you know who you are?"

Prayers.

God, I’ve lived my life alone for a long time now. I’m not demanding that you do anything, nor am I asking for this. I need to do this, but at the same time I need your help and guidance in getting me there. Please, help me be the man I need to be so I could maybe, just maybe be with her.

God, I don’t want to be alone anymore. I can’t handle it. I mean, yes, I do have my family and a few friends, but I need to start being with someone who I can make a life with. Someone who I can make a family with. Someone who I can call the love of my life. Someone who I can do random, silly and romantic things with. Someone who will accept me for who I am, and for what I’ve done in the past. Someone who will be understanding, but firm. But most of all, someone who loves you, God.

I’ve been waiting my entire life to find the one person I know I’m supposed to be with. Please, let her find me soon. Let her know that I’m here.

Amen.

Thoughts.

I wish I could write what is going on in my head, but I can’t. I wish I could explain this… thing, but once again, I can’t. I can’t explain it because I don’t want you (whahaahahahahaha, it’s a mystery now that this is about someone else) to see it, or to know what this is about. I don’t know if you have a good idea, or if you’re left in the dust.

I wish I could say what’s on my mind, and I’m hoping soon that I can. I’m waiting for the right moment. I’m waiting for when everything will be perfect, when I can say what I want without any sort of fear or hesitation.

I wish I could expand upon this, but I can’t. I can’t say anything… yet. I hope you don’t know, but at the same time I want to know what you think.

I really wish I could just spill my guts on here, but that would be too trivial, cliche, and just a little bit awkward.

Time will tell.

The Past

Facebook has this nifty timeline feature now, which is something that I’ve wanted for the longest time. For several years you couldn’t look at any of your status updates from a certain time period (say 2008), or at anything anyone else posted on your wall from said time period. Until just recently, which I’m sure you already know, they are switching everybody over to the ‘timeline’ profile system, which will hopefully be the last change Facebook makes forever. I have never really minded the changes they’ve made to Facebook, in fact I think some of the updates were vital in concluding several things, one of which was that people want to see their posts from several years ago, because for a long time (or should I say it felt like a long time) you couldn’t do that on Facebook, at least not without clicking the “show more status updates” button about a million times to get what you want.

I like the timeline, but I don’t like the pains that are associated with looking at my past. I see a lot of things that have changed. Namely; failed relationships that have put me in a lot of pain, close friendships that have developed after years but then they suddenly vanished like dust, making new friends, losing even more friends, the band I was in breaking up, starting a new band of which the ultimate result was that band breaking up… again, writing music alone, getting a new job, hating myself after working said job, quitting said job, getting ANOTHER job, being alone a lot, wishing to be in an actual working relationship, never finding the right girl to be in said relationship, being alone some more, etc, etc, etc, until RIGHT NOW AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME where I’m still alone a considerable amount, I don’t really have that many friends, I am working a decent job, I’m not in a band, and I’m still trying to find the right girl to be with.

You’d think I would learn my lesson to stop looking at my past if it proves to be painful. While it does hurt to look at it, I still find nostalgia in those memories. There were some moments that I’ve completely forgotten, but have found them again thanks to this new feature on Facebook. It’s a love/hate relationship between my past. There are some memories that I enjoy, but there are still those that hurt to look at.

I’ve also noticed that I have changed a lot. I’m not the same person I was almost four years ago when I first went to college. I used to cuss all of the time, I had a short temper (I got angry about eeevvveerrrryyyttthhhiiinnnggg), and I was extremely lazy. While the laziness is still a bit of an issue, I don’t cuss anymore, and I don’t have a temper. It takes a lot to get me mad, actually. I don’t get mad that often, in fact I can’t even remember the last time I’ve gotten mad. I mean, yes, I get upset or mildly annoyed about something (everybody does), but never mad or angry.

I used to think I was socially awkward, and while I still have some problems dealing with people I think I’m better then what I was before. I’m still no smooth talker, and I’m not someone who can make friends super easily, but I’ve actually made some success in changing that part of my life. Only some, though. If I were to have it my way I would be a sophisticated, witty, charming, funny individual who could amass a large amount of friends with the flick of my wrist. Unfortunately, I’m not that kind of person, and I probably never will be. I should be thankful, and I am thankful for who I am. Because that’s all I can be; is myself. I am who I am, whether it’s from the mistakes I’ve made or the few successes I’ve achieved. No matter what I still have to accept myself for who I am.

Because, honestly, that’s all I really have anymore. The only thing I have that’s of value is myself. I value my life more than any material possession, and I’m thankful to God that I’m alive, and can live life in a comfortable state each and every single day. I’ve come a long way from who I was, and I’m still changing as the days go by. There are ultimately some things that I regret, whether it be from the past or even the present. There have been a lot of struggles, and there are some things I’m still struggling with. I really hope and pray that they’ll soon be in the past, and I’m sure that I’ll look back on how I came to be after finally being able to put these struggles behind me.

Dreams.

Wow. Haven’t updated this in awhile.

So, I had a dream last night. It was a dream I wish I wouldn’t have woken up from. It wasn’t ethereal or blissful. It wasn’t nostalgic or beautiful. It was simply this. I was at this place that looked like a supermarket somewhat like Wal-Mart. I don’t remember how I got there, but I was there. For some reason I was there to buy something. I don’t remember what, why, or even how, but I was there, and I needed something of which I cannot recollect. Next thing I know, as if time skipped ahead, I’m standing in a line, waiting for check out my item so I can leave. I’m curiously just standing around, looking at the ground until I look up over at the cash register. I see this girl. The moment I see her I’m awe struck. My jaw drops open and I can’t close it. She’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my entire life. I stand there looking like a dope while she’s helping customers. Soon it would be my turn to be close to her, to exchange small talk while she bags my item with the unfortunate ending of us never being together as I leave.

Instead of staying in line my gut tells me to leave. I don’t know why it’s telling me to do the exact opposite of what I want, but it is. At the same time I can feel my heart telling me something. It’s telling me that I fell in love… but I don’t even know who she is. How could I possibly be in love? My gut is once again telling me to leave, telling me to ignore my heart. For some reason I believe it, and I leave the line. I already feel as if I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life. I left the line. I left her. I left being able to see her, talk to her, maybe even have a chance at being with her. I start to think “Maybe she didn’t even notice I was standing there.” “Maybe she didn’t even see me at all.” “Maybe she’ll never know that I left.” I despise my gut for telling me to make such a decision.

My dream skips forward. I’m still in the supermarket. I’m in some room overlooking all of the cash registers. For some reason it’s as if nobody else has access to this room except for me. It’s a dark room filled with black curtains hanging from the side walls. On the front wall there is what appears to be a two way mirror looking out at the main floor. I can still see the woman. She isn’t at a cash register now, she’s walking around putting items on shelves. It’s as if she doesn’t even notice this room I’m in. She walks right on by without even so much as looking my way. I start pacing around, frantic at my decision to not talk to her, to not even try asking her out. I’m in love, and I made the worst decision I could ever have made.

I don’t know why, but I feel as if there’s another person in the room with me. I can’t make out who it is. He comes closer, more into the light shining from the outside. I can tell who it is now. It’s Jorge Garcia. (I’m seriously not making this up.) He asks me if I’m alright. I tell him that I’m in love, and that I wimped out on being with her. I point out to the woman who I’m speaking of who is outside of the glass. He tells me “Dude, you’ll never know what happens if you don’t go out there and talk to her.” I tell him he’s right. I sit down with my hands over my face. I feel like crying. I love this girl but I can’t even say it. I want to be with her, but I don’t tell her. I wish she was mine, but she doesn’t even know who I am. I look up, and it looks like Jorge is about to say something else. I have this feeling it’s going to be important. Suddenly things are becoming blurry. I can’t hear what he’s saying. I start to hear this piercing sound coming from my ear. It’s my alarm. I wake up.

This dream will forever haunt me. I really want to know the rest of what Jorge had to say. He already told me something I needed to hear, something that definitely applies to my life right now. If only he would have finished his sentence. It really boggles my mind. Like, what if he would have made some sort of prediction about my life that I didn’t know? What if he would have said “Marc, you’re going to get this girl in the end. Don’t worry about it.” Obviously, considering I can’t tell the future, would my dream have been a statement about the future, about something that hasn’t even happened yet? Nobody can predict what happens next, but it felt so real. It felt as if he was going to tell me something that would have been important about my life, important about me finally finding love, but I’ll never know. I’ll never know if it was a prediction that would hold true, or if it would have been something stupid like “hahahaha, I just farted.”

I wish I could just know if I’m ever going to be in love, and if somebody is going to love me. That’s why this dream will haunt me. It gave me a taste of love, and now I can never go back to that feeling until I truly find the girl of my dreams. I really hope that happens soon. I don’t know how much longer I can last being alone.

Writing sucks.

So, I’m writing a full length album. I want it to sound like The Early November. I’ve been having a hard time writing. Mainly just riffs I like that sound original (which is really hard to do now a days), and melodies with lyrics that fit the guitar pattern. It’s hard to write eleven GOOD songs which all fit together into one, snug little album.

It’s gonna be a bumpy ride, the album that is. Everything I’ve been feeling over the past couple of years is going to collide into this record. Break ups, loneliness, feeling faithless, etc. Everything you need to know about Marc Pemberton (me) will be in these songs, because these songs are essentially who I am, what I’m trying to say, and what I want.

I already have two of them written. One is the track after the ‘intro’, and the other one I have written is actually the last song. It’s going to have string arrangements near the end, and I’m pretty sure it’ll make people cry. I know just thinking about it has almost put me into tears. I want the ‘intro’ (which is gonna be a song, but it’ll feel like an intro song… sorta. That’s hard to explain.) to be really epic and big sounding. I’m having trouble contemplating the material for that, but what really needs to happen is all of the songs need to be greatly written. There won’t be a single song that’s filler, or at least that is what I want to achieve.

This album will be hard to create, as it already has been a pain to write. I feel uninspired, as I have for the past couple of months. I haven’t written lyrics in awhile, and I feel as if I need to entirely re-tune how I write lyrics. There was a period where I could write lyrics with ease, but now that period is unfortunately over. Sometimes I just can’t write lyrics, or I’ll come up with great words when I’m nowhere near my songbook, and then I’ll unfortunately forget them (typical pains of being human.) Surprisingly, I have lyrics for the two songs I’ve been writing. They need some touch ups, but apart from that at least those songs have words.

If I could get one thing from releasing this album, it would have to be recognition. I want some sort of audience. I want people listening to my album, and saying to me “hey, I feel the same way you felt in that one song you wrote.” If someone can connect with my music, then I’ve accomplished one of my main goals with my music.

I guess after all of these years of writing music, going through the trials and tribulations of being a part of many bands, I’m wanting to be recognized for MY music, which I’ve written by MYSELF. I’m not saying I won’t get help anytime down the road, but for the most part this is my vision. This is my dream. If I could make a career out of music, I don’t think I would mind that. In fact I would probably love writing music all the time, being in the studio, playing shows in front of a live audience, etc.

I know I’m not the greatest musician. I’m really not that good at guitar, and I am limited as a vocalist. I know I have my faults. I’m only human. I’m never going to make a perfect album. They’ll always have their flaws, whether I notice them or if someone else does. Maybe people will have a high opinion of my music, but there’s always the people who think lowly of certain types of music. But ya know what, that’s okay, too. I don’t like a lot of music, and I don’t agree with some music that has come out in recent years, which I’m sure some people would like. It’s okay to not like something, but it is not okay to try and put someone down because they think their music sucks. I’ve seen that too much in music communities. I don’t know if I could handle having people constantly try and tell me if my music sucks or what not. I’m not saying any of this will happen, as obviously that is a hypothetical situation.

I guess what I’m trying to say is… I want everybody to like my music. That’s all, but it’s practically impossible to please every single person, so I guess I should stick to those who would like my music.

I’m just hoping that soon, very soon, people will start listening to my music. That would make me very happy.

bethmcaneny:

life is hard when you’re shy and just below average looking

(Source: puking, via l-alouette)

Do you want me to hate you?

So, I went to work this morning. My boss has been somewhat annoying the past couple of weeks, but I’ve always just sort of shoved it aside and held my head up high, trying to stay positive despite my boss’s downfalls. I work at Target, I only work for three, sometimes four hours a day, three days of the week, so I shouldn’t have much to complain about. It’s an easy job, and I enjoy it. At least until my boss… *deep sigh*

Let me give you a little bit of backstory. I started working at Target in May. They gave me a box knife to open boxes with because, guess what, that’s part of my job. Opening boxes, and taking out the contents and putting them on shelves. So, after six months this puny little box knife that I’ve been working with for the past six months finally decided to break. I’m like “okay, I’ll just buy a new one.” So, I went to Meijer this past weekend and bought a new one before my shift today. My boss was walking by an aisle while I was using my shiny new box cutter that I spent a hard earned $4 on. Seriously, I only get about $130 some dollars every check. I try to make it work every two weeks until I get paid again. Anyways, she walked by and noticed I was using this big, green, obviously not Target issued box knife to open boxes with. She walks by, hands me another dinky box knife, and tells me I can’t use the one I specifically bought for work. This really bugged me because I thought it didn’t really matter what kind of box cutter was used. So, now I have a box cutter I’ll probably never use, and another dinky little box knife that will probably break in another six month or so. Why does this annoy me? Because I’ve seen people use non-Target issued box cutters before, so I thought it didn’t really matter. I probably just should have asked for another one, but knowing me I have to do things the hard way.

Another thing she told me today was that I have to come in at 4:30 in the morning (which means waking up at 4:00) instead of coming in at 5:00, which is what they scheduled me for all of this week and next week. This infuriated me, because she has been getting on to everyone about checking their schedules and making sure we come in at the right time, because it’s 4th quarter and things are going to get a little hectic. Okay, well how am I supposed to know when to come in if you aren’t scheduling my hours correctly!?!?!?!? She didn’t yell at me or anything, but she made it seem as if it was my fault, as if I was supposed to know me coming in at 5:00 actually is code for “come in at 4:30.” And then she asked if I could come in super early on Saturday AND Sunday, two days I normally have off, but probably won’t anymore because of 4th quarter. I know it’s her job to tell me this crap, but please, for the love of God, get my freaking hours right! My hours and availability have never been an issue, so why now? What is so hard about getting someone’s hours right?

Now I have to remember to wake up at 4:00 on Wednesday, and then I’m coming in at 1:00am for Black Friday… THEN, I’m working the whole weekend, and Monday, and can finally take the day off Tuesday. I was really hoping for a nice, relaxing Thanksgiving break, but it looks as if that is not going to happen.

I think I’m going to ask for some time off really soon. I don’t care about the money. Honestly, I don’t care about not getting hours. I’ll probably take some time off for my birthday, and tell them I’m going out of town to visit some friends. I may even follow up on that and visit some of my Terre Haute friends for a day or two. I’ve been thinking of making it a surprise, but at the same time I’ll probably need to tell some people I’m coming in. I don’t know. As long as I get it off I don’t really care.

I didn’t know Christmas could ever be this stressful. I thought it was supposed to be a nice holiday where people come together. Instead it’s making me regret even working there.

Working there in the summertime was nice, though. I wouldn’t trade that for anything. Even waking up super early to come and work. I just want that time to roll around again.

I miss summertime.

Creation.

I’ve been listening to a lot of Brand New lately, along with some My Hidden Track. I think I’m really going to try and make this album that I’m writing more along the lines of upbeat indie rock with focus on melody and progressive structure in the songs. I just wish I wasn’t so much of an amateur songwriter. Like I said, I’ve been listening to a lot of Brand New, and there’s just so much of Jesse Lacey’s writing style that I would die to have. His lyrics, his melodies, his structures, everything about his songs I love because they not only show how good of a songwriter he is, but also because of the uniqueness of his writing style. He’s been compared to Morrissey, but I’ve never really sat down and listened to The Smiths, so I can’t really compare. I do know that he’s most more than likely my favorite songwriter, and if I ever got a chance to meet him I would do it in a heartbeat.

Anyways, enough about my love for Brand New. Basically, I’ve been frustrated because I haven’t really written anything for this album. I sort of planned this out in my mind, but in reality I didn’t really know what would happen. I haven’t really been inspired. The only major things that have happened to me is what I feel to be the loss of a friend. Other then that my life is really boring, exhausting because of work, and lonely. I’ve really only written one complete song, and have “planned” out four or five more. I want this album to be ten songs long, and clocking in at least over half an hour. I had this “plan” where I would have the whole thing written by the end of the year, practice all of the instruments, maybe demo some of the songs here at home, and then eventually after spring semester, record the whole album in a studio, along with some b-sides that I was hoping to have written as well. I have no idea how I’m going to do this if I can’t even write a stupid song.

My plan isn’t exactly coming to fruition. I really need to get these creative juices flowing. I just don’t know how. I want my music to be music that people will like, and that people will recognize me for. Because, let’s face it, I’ve never been good at anything in my entire life. I would like to be recognized as a good songwriter, guitarist, and singer, but I know that’s not entirely realistic. Maybe it is, but it will take a lot of work. I still have a ways to go. 

Maybe. Just maybe.

So, I was sitting in Folklore today, and we had another group assignment that took up most of the class time. The third person in our group wasn’t there, so it was just me and the girl I like, even though I have reasonable suspicion (that there is fancy schmancy criminal justice talk for all you young-uns) that she has a boyfriend.

I was mainly trying to focus on what we were doing for our group activity, which wasn’t really that hard. We worked together, and she moved to the chair right next to me. When she did that my heart about dropped to the bottom of my feet. I wasn’t really nervous because I was thinking she already has a boyfriend (maybe), but deep down inside I was thinking maybe she sort of kind of likes me…? I know it’s a stupid thought, and she is in no way leading me on or anything as we were just working on our group project, but for some reason I was thinking that. I know it doesn’t make any sense, but that’s how I roll sometimes.

Anyways, so I didn’t really expect that to happen, and since that’s been the closest I’ve been to a girl in about two years it’s definitely monumental to me. I know I should probably just go for it and ask her out, but I may wait until the end of the semester where she is either still with her boyfriend, or if something happens and they break up. That gives me about what, six more weeks? So, yeah. I have to gain the courage to ask out this girl that I like in six weeks.

I really need to start talking to her more.